Gender roles are changing
There is a misconception that women either don’t like sex or aren’t really interested in doing it. We portray women as liking sex because it has an emotional component to it and they can feel more connected to their partner. As much as gender roles are changing, women who actually demonstrate and say they like sex because they feel sexual pleasure are openly or secretly branded as being nymphomaniacs or worse «sluts». Girls will seldom brag to their friends about their masturbation sessions as boys will do in their teenage years. Yet, they masturbate just as much. They want to know as much about sex as the boys but will hide their curiosity or desires to avoid being stigmatized.
There is guilt associated with female sexuality and a double standard, even if it isn’t openly said these days. Men are portrayed as the sexual beings who are always ready and want it all the time in a heterosexual relationship. If the roles are reversed, men tend to feel threatened by their female partner’s sexuality and feel less manly. Most of the time, they won’t admit feeling diminished because that would be showing their vulnerability, which makes them feel even less like a man.
Protecting yourself and your partner’s ego
Women pick up on these dynamics and what they rather end up doing is being disinterested in sex rather than showing their own eroticism to their partners. They protect men’s egos so that they (women) don’t get branded with being a nymphomaniac. So we perpetuate the myth that men are the sexually charged gender in our societies. While in fact women’s sexuality has been repressed for so many generations they don’t even realize their full sexual potential.
This tends to create a High Desire Partner (HDP) and Low Desire Partner (LDP) dynamic and creates conflicts in long-term relationships. Now, not all women are more sexual then men, but it is a truth in certain relationships that is highly ignored in today’s relationships and should be addressed more often.
Why women don’t have sexual desire?
Typically, when couples consult a sex-therapist for differences in sexual desire, we assume the woman is the LDP (Low DesirePartner). Most of the time, when that is the case, it’s not because she doesn’t like sex…she doesn’t like it with her partner. She’s actually bored with sex, because her level of eroticism is more developed than his and she’s afraid to show it. Either she’s avoiding being judged by him or she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings by emasculating him. This demonstrates a lack of intimacy in their relationship, where neither partner is willing to face the hard truth about their sexuality. This limitation on the perception of masculinity and femininity creates many sexual difficulties that could be avoided by having a larger view of these gender roles.
Why do men lose sexual desire?
You might be surprised to hear, but fifty percent (50%) of the time in therapy, the man is the one who is the LDP. When this happens, it is not that he is bored as women tend to be, but feels threatened by his partner’s sexuality and eroticism. When he picks up after awhile that she has more desire, more initiative, more creativity and sexual huffmp than him, he loses his feelings of being a man. This creates a lack of desire in men because he doesn’t feel up to the challenge to please his partner and therefore gets demotivated to have sex.
Men are thought and are perceived as being the ones who educate women on their bodies and sexuality. They are the ones that lead and get their desires fulfilled, which makes them feel competent as men. They get a sense of pride out of playing that role, but when they don’t have those aspects to hold on to, they don’t feel good about themselves.
Man up! Woman up!
As an adult, it is time to grow up and mature in our sexuality and capacity to be truly intimate with our partner. Sex should be pleasurable, fun, playful and enjoyable. When it stops being that way, it is time to reflect on your sexual maturity and deal with your shortcomings. If you feel threaten or intimidated by your partner’s eroticism and sexuality see it as a challenge to overcome rather than an obstacle that you want to avoid. Bring yourself to push your personal limits and get your funk on!
Women should not feel ashamed about sex and should demand what they sexually desire. Sex is one of the most beautiful and extraordinary ways you can connect with a person and feel loved. It is also a wonderful activity to share pleasure and reach ecstasy through our minds and bodies. Passing up that opportunity to protect your partner or from what other people might think of you isn’t worth it, considering what you are losing for yourself.
Men need to acknowledge their limitations and try to surpass them rather than avoid them. Sex is not a competition or a performance, but a shared activity that requires you take care of yourself and your partner to enjoy the moment. NOT TO IMPRESS SOMEONE!
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Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal
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