In another article, we discussed how couples create false communication issues so they could fight about that rather than the real issues in their relationship. We also discussed how we are able to do that with the different types of mind-mapping abilities that we have. We are now going to explain how we can use mind-mapping to resolves conflicts quicker and better as well as have better sex with your lover.

Now that you realized that you can mind-map and that you and your partner both use it in your relationship. It is time to start being more honest with yourself and with them. This requires skills that are not thought in a class but are experienced by being in a relationship. When we fight with our partner we are naturally threatened on two fronts. Losing ourselves or losing each other. This dilemma is what perpetuates people to argue for days on end because they cannot tolerate either of those two options.

It is a push and pull dynamic of protecting our self and the relationship. We want to come on top and not be too damaged but also make sure that our partner still loves us afterward. Sometimes, we know what we are doing is wrong, we just don’t want to allow our partner to use it against us. Which they most likely have done in the past. We want to keep the upper hand.

No one likes to be vulnerable and most perceive it as being weak. We also tend to culturally associate it with women, which could not be further away from the truth. All human beings feel vulnerability, and we all try to feel it as less as possible. Women nor men are more prone to it or want it. We might encourage women to express their feelings more, but not their vulnerability. This is also an important difference most people mistake as being the same thing.

Vulnerability in the sense of being profoundly intimate with another person, requires a strong sense of who we are as a person (self-esteem in other words). It is our capacity to know who we are and being able to fully divulge that which we are proud of and that which we are not. It takes courage, not weakness to show our most inner “self”. It also takes strength to be able to stand tall when the person you love the most uses your own vulnerability against you, which unfortunately happens too often.

It is not just a question of being vulnerable, it also has to do with seeing your partner vulnerable (a.k.a. not what you want them to be). When people open up about who they are, it makes people uneasy and questions themselves. It reflects your own vulnerability whether you wanted to or not. So when a partner brings things up that we were not ready or wanted to hear, we want them to backtrack. Mind-mapping abilities come into play at this point. When someone is vulnerable, our mind-mapping abilities are at full capacity. We are mind-mapping our partner and ourselves. We might want to mind-mask ourselves or implement a false belief into our partner to eject from the situation.

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Vulnerability isn’t fun to live through and we would rather be doing anything else at that moment. Learning to calm ourselves down during those moments is when you can truly connect with your partner. You see them and they see you and as much as it can bring people closer it can also push them away. We are overwhelmed by the intensity of the connexion we have and we want to stay in it as much as we want to push away. We are utterly naked in this confined space with each other and it makes us human and fragile yet strong all at the same time.

Learning to tolerate the discomfort changes your “self” to a degree that communication skills will never achieve. You must mind-track yourself and your partner as well as avoid mind-masking. When you feel the emotions come up, try to let them be. Sometimes we will feel a knot in our stomach we want to suppress or we want to push down the tingling ball we feel in our throat. Through hardship comes a deep understanding of ourselves and accepting who we are and our partner for being themselves.

When we let mind-mapping be part of our relationship, we allow for connection with the other person and we fight differently and about different things. Being vulnerable in a conflict makes us desirable to our partner. If we can acknowledge that it took courage to do it, we can admire the resilience and strength it took. It can even encourage the other to do the same. Mutual respect for self and our lover starts growing and this is what creates sexual desire in a relationship and meaningful sex.

Mind-mapping sex makes the best kind of sex. You let yourself be completely connected with one another and you are not putting energy into hiding yourself by mind-masking. You are just letting yourself go completely and utterly to the moment with your partner. Nobody needs to hide and you are letting each other feel fully all the intensity and (sexual) emotions that come with having a sexual RELATIONSHIP.

You are not just exchanging orgasms or masturbating into each other like most people do when having sexual activities. You are looking at each other in the eyes and you take the time to feel every inch of skin you are exploring at that moment. You want to be seen and to see the other as who you are at your core. There is nothing more liberating than mind-mapping sex!

Let’s not mistake this only for lovey dovey sex, which can be absolutely great to have. The type of sex we are talking about is sexually charged up and passionate. It is not just an emotional connexion, but a sexual one. You can have this connexion in a one night stand if you want. It only requires that you let yourself be vulnerable with a complete stranger. Although, a more deep and profound connexion can be built upon in a long term relationship. It tends to give it more significance, therefore, allows it to be more intense in nature.

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Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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