Sexual Performance Will Destroy Your Sexual Satisfaction

Break down the barriers that ruin sex

 

Technically boring

We all want to be sexually good in bed. We want to prove to our sexual partner’s that we are good and to know that they want more sex with us. We perpetuate this idea in the media, with our friends and even in our families with jokes and quotes about sex. One of the worst insults is being told that we suck in bed…or wherever else you enjoy doing it.
Sexual performance, though, brings its load of baggage as it creates sexual boredom through routine sex. Since we want to please others so much in sex, we won’t really change our techniques that we know work. When something works in sex, we tend to use it abusively to the point where even if it doesn’t work, we still go at it the same way.
That, my friends, is when sex becomes too technical and mechanical which brings redundancy and platitudes. Sex becomes a chore that we must accomplish rather than a game between two sexual charged up people. We exchange orgasms where both partners masturbate into each other to find some semblance of sexual satisfaction. Do you recognize yourself?

Getting rid of orgasms

Orgasms are absolutely GREAT! (As Tony the tiger used to say). They are exhilarating and explosive in our bodies. But if we put it into perspective they last between 6 to 8 seconds in length, sometimes more but very infrequently. We have socially constructed orgasms as the epitome of sexuality and the last HOURRA before the end. To the point where it has become for many the only criteria to determine if sex was good or not. No orgasm, no fun, no sexual satisfaction!

You have found the orgasm button! Still having fun pressing the same one over 277 times?

 

If we consider that a sexual activity lasts between 5 to 20 minutes from the beginning to the end, including flirting and all of it. Is it really fair to judge your sexual satisfaction on merely 8 seconds of intense bodily sensations? The other 292 to 192 seconds must not have been that enjoyable if you answered yes to the last question. 

Fewer orgasms, more satisfaction

What if we changed the sexual paradigm of having the most orgasms possible to obtaining the most sexual pleasure. We would already be making sex better. A lot of people confuse the two as one and the same. That orgasm equals pleasure and vice versa. Which seems like a narrow-minded way of perceiving sex. Orgasms are just a bodily function of sex that demonstrates your physical capacity to stimulation.
We put sometimes so much effort into getting or giving an orgasm that we don’t even take notice at all the sexual pleasure that we can offer ourselves DURING sex. That is also why orgasms take so much importance in our relationships. It becomes the only point where we do have some semblance of fun during sex or masturbation.
Next time you have sex or masturbate, try to be conscience about what you are thinking and focusing on while you are doing it.

  • Where are your thoughts going during sex with a partner or yourself?
  • What do you think about or focus on?
  • What emotions do you feel?
  • Where is your focus and what do you do with it?
  • What importance does your sexual pleasure take?
  • Are you connected to the various sensations of your body?
  • How do you react when your sexual arousal diminishes (less lubrification or loss of erection)?
  • What importance does you partner’s pleasure take?
  • Are you sometimes too focused on theirs rather than yours?
  • Do you feel selfish if you do think of yours?
  • Is there’s more important than yours?
  • What happens and how do you feel if your partner doesn’t get an orgasm?
  • Do you need to have penetration to consider that you had sex or for it to be considered complete?

We do not give orgasms to our partner…we give them to ourselves

We like to tell ourselves that we give orgasms to our partner. The more we do, the better we feel about ourselves. It validates that we are good sexual partners and we feel sexually competent as well as confident, but only temporarily. More often than not, we are looking to get our egos rubbed the right way during sex rather than our genitals. In reality, we do not give our partner’s an orgasm, but we accompany them towards it. Although, that doesn’t help our ego to see things that way, when we aren’t the ones actually giving them.

Like most people, women as much as men, we find ourselves in a sexual performance where we want to prove to ourselves that we are sexually capable. When everything works properly (reaching an orgasm), we are reassured and our sexual ego is flattered.  So most people will put much of their focus on reaching and giving orgasms to be reassured. When it becomes more difficult or even impossible as it often happens in a relationship, we start to doubt our sexual competency or blame the other for it when our own self-esteem isn’t very strong.

So, rather than take pleasure during sex with our partner, we focus our attention on being performing. When that becomes too difficult, we start feeling incompetent sexually and it starts getting worse from there. We feel anxious and apprehend having sex rather than anticipate having pleasure. We fear failure and our anxiety grows to the point of creating sexual difficulties such as loss of erection, lack of lubrification, anorgasmia, pain during penetration, loss of libido, etc.)

Sometimes, we are still functional, but it doesn’t mean our insecurities are not there. There are camouflaged by our « sexual success » (reaching orgasm). More often than not, people are very anxious during sex without even realizing it. 


Rub my ego and I will rub yours!

 
As I was saying earlier, we prefer our egos be rubbed than our genitals. Since we want our ego’s to be rubbed, we want to rub our partner’s ego as well. Therefore, not only do we have to deal with our own sexual insecurities, we also need to watch out for our sexual lover’s insecurities. Issh! Doesn’t sound like sex is that fun anymore now does it? Unfortunately, that is the case for most people. All this happens because we are in a paradigm of sexual performance.
Signs you are in a sexual performance dynamic:

  • Have you ever thought that your sexual arousal took too much time and you were afraid that the other person would be bored?
  • Have you ever reassured your partner about their lack of erection or lubrification or lack of orgasm?
  • Have you ever read books, articles or watched videos on sexual techniques? What were the reasons for it?
  • Do you sometimes feel useless when receiving oral sex or feel that you need to offer it right after?
  • Do you feel that your partner doesn’t really enjoy oral sex and they are just doing it to please you?
  • Have you ever done it for that reason?
  • Have you ever stopped oral sex because you were feeling guilty that it was taking too long and your partner was bored?
  • Do you desperately seek the G-spot or highly erogenous zones to increase sexual arousal as quickly as possible?
  • Do you continue having sex when you are physically uncomfortable with your fingers, mouth or during penetration to give or obtain an orgasm?
  • Are you preoccupied with the length or the frequency of your sexual relationships?
  • Is the number of sexual partners you’ve had ever been a concern or important to you?
  • Do you always do the same sexual positions to ensure that you can obtain or give an orgasm to your partner?
  • Do you fear ejaculating too quickly or lose your erection or not lubricate enough during sex?
  • Are entirely comfortable with your nudity in any sexual position, lighting or the face you do during sex?

Sex without sexual performance anxiety

Do you recognise yourself with the different subjects of this article? Would you like to move on to the next step in your sex life? Do you want more satisfying sex that doesn’t necessarily involve just more orgasms?

  1.  Focus more on being sexually present with your partner and focus more on sexual pleasure rather than arousal
  2. Put aside your ego and have fun with your partner
  3. Take the time so savour all the different sensations during sex, and not just the last 8 seconds of orgasm
  4. Look your partner more often and longer in the eyes and take notice when you are touching or being touched
  5. Let your partner deal with their own sexual insecurities, without ignoring them, but knowing they are there.

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Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal

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