How they intertwine together!
We all have patterns in our romantic relationships, which have variable impacts on our lives. They often change due to our personal development so they can better serve our needs according to our beliefs, experiences and values related to our perception of love. In other words, they are modifiable in order to protect us and help us grow as individuals. When patterns are unhealthy, they usually make us feel unhappy, lonely, mixed up, rejected and get us into problematic relationships We therefore find ourselves in a vicious cycle of bad choices when it comes to our love life with feelings of disappointment which subsequently affect us.
Healthy patterns enable us to personally grow in our couple and the unhealthy ones are trying to protect us maladaptively. The latter are paradoxically comfortable in spite of the many problems they generate, because we can predict them and generate a sense of security. Changing patterns, all different circumstances put aside, causes anxiety for everyone. The feeling of anguish, when it comes to love, decreases motivation to modify patterns. Some people however are capable of changing them, which enables them to grow in the relationships they maintain.
Romantic patterns begin as soon as we meet another person for the first time In order to answer our pre-established criteria, we make a selection of whom we seduce and who is allowed to flirt with us. When we start to reflect on the people we choose to seduce and those we avoid, one can detect patterns of seduction. It is not rare to flirt with people who we feel at ease with , even if they aren’t always our first choice. We seldom approach individuals who intimidate us or we do not feel equal to , because we assume, we will be rejected and inevitably hurt. We thus avoid changing our romantic patterns, in spite of the difficulties they create, in order to stay in our comfort zone.
In short, when we find ourselves in an unhealthy pattern, we avoid situations where we feel discomfort, fear or ill at ease, However, when we allow ourselves to live moments and situations of seduction that provoke more anxiety, we discover new aspects of ourselves and unexplored relationships are now possible. Awkwardness and missteps should not discourage us because they are part of the process towards change and growth as a person. Eventually, we find our middle ground and it allows us to become more natural and fluid in being who we are. The next time you find yourselves in a context of flirting, choose the person you are really interested in and approach the ones that intimidate you.
Dare to take chances and be happily surprised!
Francois Renaud M.A.