How Intimacy Effects Our Sexual Desire*
When our relationship is based on other validated intimacy, we inevitably hit an obstacle in our sexual maturity. If we are only willing to self-disclose a part of ourselves to our partner we’re limiting the level of intimacy the couple can share.
Limiting our sexual maturity
Sexual desire in a long-term relationship can be affected by a number of elements in the dynamic of a couple. First and foremost sexual desire stays alive in couples who are capable of reinventing themselves, trying new things, experimenting sexual fantasies and introducing a different dynamic in their sex lives. It’s also people who are not afraid to look silly, laugh and can tolerate sexual awkwardness. When our couple uses other validated intimacy, we’re afraid to do any of those things because they might bring rejection or judgment on the part of the partner, which other validated couples avoid at all cost because that hurts.
Consequently, we find couples who have stagnated in their capacity to mature sexually and a routine is instated. Nothing kills sexual desire more than being able to predict every aspect of how we are going to have sex with someone. Sexual desire exudes when there is adventure, newness, surprise and strong emotions. Routine sex is good to make you feel comfortable and loved, but it lacks the capacity to excite and bring desire towards our partners.
Admire to desire
Another aspect that impacts sexual desire is our capacity to tolerate vulnerabilities in ourselves and in our partner. A component of sexual desire is admiration towards the other. If there is a lack thereof, then little desire can exist between two people. How can couples be vulnerable in front of each other by admitting their mistakes, showing their issues and faults without killing the admiration they have for each other?
Admitting our limits takes a lot of personal strength which is admirable in itself, but there is still a step further people need to go through. After putting ourselves in that vulnerable state, it’s important to learn from it and grow as a human being and a partner. When we witness our lover struggling at becoming a better person, we can take pride and admire being with such a man or woman.
Get your sex appeal on!
Seduction is also an element that impacts sexual desire in couples. Most long-term couples tend to take for granted their partner after a while and they don’t feel the need to seduce and flirt anymore. Seducing our partner is required if we want to keep the flames of passion between each other. Flirting allows the couple to have fun, laugh, play and sexualize their encounters, which grants the promise of sex in the near future. If we don’t play the game, we can’t expect to win the prize!
The downside of seducing our partner is that they may end up not wanting sex at the end, which can leave one partner frustrated or rejected at having put so much effort. People who cultivate other validated intimacy will withdraw from flirting to avoid getting hurt again. Couples who are capable of validating themselves will try again and see it as a challenge to woo their partner next time.
Hence, intimacy is intricately related to the level of sexual desire that will be shared between partners. We need to heighten our intimacy by cultivating our sexual development, seducing our partner and growing as a person!
Francois Renaud M.A.
READ MORE ON: Sexual Intimacy & Sexual Desire
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* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch