Being eaten out is harder for most than eating in…sexually I mean!
You’ve probably received oral sex in your life and most likely have given it. You might be surprised that most prefer to give it than to receive it. Surprised? Let me explain!
Roles when having sex
We tend to give roles during sex to each partner such as giver-receiver, bottom-top, dominating-submissive, etc. We may have heard or said to a partner: « Relax, I’ll take care of you » when giving oral sex. These roles that are sometimes rigid can be detrimental to our sexual pleasure and satisfaction.
The GIVING role
People like to feel useful especially when it comes to sex. We like to get our egos rubbed and feel as though we are competent and did a really good job. We like to see our partners twist and turn themselves into pleasure pretzels towards the blissful feeling of ORGASM. It is very flattering for oneself to « give » our partners an orgasm and pleasure. It validates our sexual prowess and competency. This can also lead to the pressure of doing a « good job », which brings for many a lot of anxiety and fear of « failing » sexually. So more often than not, people like being the giver when the giving is good.
The contrary can be very demoralizing as we may feel incompetent and insecure as a partner when we aren’t seeing the sexual arousal in the other person. Has it ever happen to you while you were « giving » to your sexual partner to have these thoughts or behaviors?
- « What is happening? Why isn’t this working? It did last week? »
- « Do they still find me attractive? »
- Searching frantically for THE technique or spot that will make them have an orgasm or moan into blissfulness
- Starting to be a bit bored because your partner isn’t hard or lubricated enough yet and that you lose a bit of patience.
- Being fearful that your partner just isn’t enjoying themselves enough
- Asking nervously what your partner wants and not getting a very clear answer
- Feeling that it is taking too long to orgasm, but feel the obligation of continuing so as not to feel cheap, even though your uncomfortable (lockjaw, tongue fatigue, cramps in hands or fingers, etc.)
- [Enter here dialogue of discomfort or anxiety]
When one receives it, one giveth too
The RECEIVING role
We could initially think that the giving role has a lot of burdens to deal with and that receiving might be the more easy role to have. You just have to lie there and enjoy yourself right? Well…not as much as you might think.
Being able to receive starts out by knowing your intrinsic value as a sexual partner, which most people, unfortunately, don’t really feel that valuable. A lot of partners feel that they need to give out first or at least right after to really truly deserve receiving from their partner. Some even see oral sex as just a preliminary thing before the « REAL » thing just to get each other prep up (By the way, there is no real thing in reality…even though we all know it refers to penetration). This gives out the impression that oral sex isn’t a really fun and enjoyable thing to do with our sexual partners, but more of an obligation or a one-way thing. As well, odors from our genitalia are also a concern for many, mostly women have this preoccupation.
There is also this pressure of getting aroused quickly to reassure our partner that they are doing a good job or that they don’t get bored (See inner dialogue previously mentioned). We tend to be more concerned about our partner’s egos sometimes than our own pleasure while in the receiving role. Have you ever had these thoughts when someone is getting down on you?
- « I wonder what my genitals smell or taste like? When is the last time I took a shower? »
- « I wonder if he likes to lick my genitals? »
- « Am I hard enough?
- « Why aren’t I lubricated enough »
- « Ouch, that hurts! ( But I won’t tell him/her not to hurt their feelings)
- « Dammit, it is so long before I get my orgasm. I hope they’re not bored? »
- « Am I going to have to offer them some too? I don’t really feel like it, but won’t that seem selfish? »
- « She is blowing me because she doesn’t want to have penetration? »
- « He is just eating me out so that he can penetrate me after…I wish we could just have oral sex tonight »
While we are having sex, we can mind-map these thoughts that our partner is having and it greatly impacts our enjoyment of the experience. This increases our worries while having sex.
SOLUTION 101 for satisfying and pleasurable oral sex
- Ignore your sexual performance and tongue techniques
- Take pleasure in what you are doing. Your partner will see it and enjoy the experience more because they won’t have to worry about your enjoyment.
- Try to feel connected to your partner rather than wanting to just get them more sexually aroused
- Realize that you aren’t just giving to your partner, but you are also receiving from them
- Ignore your partner’s insecurities because you can’t actually do anything about them.
- Give yourself the right and personal value that you are worth this gift you are being offered
- Let your partner admire and explore your body rather than direct them where and how you want them to do it
- Realize that you aren’t just receiving, but you are letting your partner access to your body that they can also enjoy.
And don’t forget, sex should be fun, not stressful!
Sex therapist & psychotherapist Montreal